Autosport, Spandex and the Great Car Parking Rip-off

Yesterday I went along to the Autosport International show at the NEC. This is a tremendous off-season bash, well worth going to, almost the same size but several times more interesting than the Classic Car Show in November.

There's plenty to see, with some righteously expensive bizzle in the auction - including a Shelby and the lime green Capri from Only Fools and Horses, amongst others - and stages with interviews and other shenanigans. The stands are all pretty cool - Santa Pod had a cool stand (I buttonholed one of the guys about the possibility of NSCC playing at Dragstalgia or the Mopars - he'll "get back to me"), and if you looked far enough, tucked right away in the farthest corner was Geoff Hauser's Super Pro winning dragster. There were guys selling crate V8s, including one guy selling the new Ford 5.0 Coyote V8. I asked him how it stacked up against the LS V8; he said, "Well, the LS is lighter, smaller, cheaper and more powerful. These are OK if you really want a Ford engine." You're doing a shit hot sales job there, mate, I hope you're not on commission.
The Custom Paint stand had an amazing MkI Escort painted in heavy 'flake candy red - apparently the work of a Mr Bryan Whitworth - and, although stuck in the middle of a sea of Lambos, Ferraris and a McLaren, guess which one all the youngsters were taking photos of...?
After you'd looked at all the big manufacturers stands and blagged all the free pens and stickers and guff, there were a good few stands for race series and car clubs, which is where you'd find the really cool old saloon car racers like the Imp (above) and the Anglia (below), which again had people crammed around it at the expense of the much more modern machinery abounding on all sides.

The Chevette HSR (top) brought back memories for me, and there was a big tribute to Roger Clark and Sir Jackie Stewart, which is where you'd have found this:

Yum. It's a Lotus Cortina, but badged Consul ... that's a new one on me. There were traders doing special offers, like Mechanix gloves at £6 a pair and Hedtec selling Snell-rated crashing hats from £99, plus lots of magazines doing special offers, including PPC who had this on the stand - dare to be different, or dare to be daft?

It looks like something Darth Vader's missus keeps in her bedside drawer...
On the Saturday and Sunday 'public days' there's a live action bit with people toking around in stock cars and grass trackers and all sorts of noisy gubbins, but on the Thursday and Friday 'trade-only' days the last hall is stacked with engineering firms and parts manufacturers, and this is well worth a look. Okay, at one end are people selling massive CNC lathes and milling machines and all that, which is great if you're a minted mechanical smart-arse with a vast garage who can't find the wheels he really wants so has decided to make his own. But other than that, there are always a bunch of American firms, many looking slightly out of place, who welcome a chat with a keen petrolhead. I yapped to ARP, Titan, VP Racing Fuels, the guys from Cometic Gaskets UK (the senior of whom was chatting about when he crewed for the likes of Nobby Hills in the Seventies), Total Seal and so on. Sometimes you can get them to give you something for free, just to make you go away. Possibly a thick ear.
So it's a really good day out, except...
... there's always an 'except' with the NEC. Start off with the parking. The NEC is miles from anywhere, but to park on site they'll relieve you of £10. Bastards. That's on top of the show entry which is £30 per adult. That's taking the piss, sorry. And the food and drink concessions are equally outrageous. Some of the stands have bowls of sweeties on the desk, and if you're clever you can survive the day on stolen mint imperials. There's always the train, as Birmingham International station is on-site. Unfortunately, it's a bloody big site; the station is at one end, the show at the other, and by the time you've walked from one to the other you need a pint, poxy travelators notwithstanding.
Then there's the tits'n'teeth girls, who abound on all sides, and seem to be engaged in some sort of competition to see who can wear the tiniest outfit that still has enough material to write the company's name on. Or Spandex...

... which is basically just a camel-toe looking for an opportune moment to happen. If you're going to wear an outfit that allows deaf blokes to lip-read even if you're not saying anything, you probably shouldn't stand next to a sign saying "RENT ME". Thursday is the first day of the show, which means that the fleet of tits'n'teeth girls are still quite enthusiastic and still grinning like wanking Japs on Mogadon. By the Sunday, after they've had three days of every herbert with an iPhone saying, "Can my mate (insert name of spotty oik here) have his photo taken with you?" they've stopped bothering asking, "Would you like a goodie bag, sir?" and start just thrusting the giveaway crap at any passing bloke, with a fixed grin (probably maintained by a Starbucks wooden coffee-stirring stick jammed across their mouths) but a look in their eyes that says "TAKE the f**king bag or I will take off one of these 6" platform heels that I've had to wear for four days and beat you to f**king DEATH with it."
Mind you, some of the employees on the stands are no better. Unlike the Mogadon grin of the tits'n'teeth girls, some of the suits just sit there with a face like a ripped arsehole giving off massive "Just go away!" vibes. You walk into their booths saying "Hello, I'd like to talk about the product/service you're trying to sell," and they look at you as if you'd just walked in with your dick in your hand saying, "Oh, sorry, I thought this was the gents." Maybe you're just not cut out for face-to-face work with potential customers, bud...
So, the upshot is it's a bloody expensive do but well worthwhile, especially at this time of year, smack in the middle of the off-season. If you're going this weekend, have fun.
Eugene