Well, Goodness Gracious Me!

You know those times when you feel a fart brewing up, and you think it's going to be a real crowd-pleaser? So, you shout, “Shut up, everyone, I've got a real prizewinner bubbling under, here!” and everyone shuts up and looks on in anticipation while you, at the centre of everyone’s attention, adopt the Bruce Forsyth elbow-on-knee-and-knuckles-on-forehead stance, and wait, and wait, and you're starting to go a bit red because of the strain. Then, eventually, it arrives at the bomb-bay and goes “pp”. And you go absolutely crimson out of sheer shame, and the fact that there's a worrying, slightly damp sensation spreading down under?

Then you'll know the opposite. Those times when it's quiet and still – for instance, in a waiting room, or on an aeroplane, or in the dock just before the judge releases the jury to consider their verdict against you – and you think you have a tiny fart that you can safely get shut of in silence. So, you surreptitiously lift one cheek a millimetre and... and it sounds like a ten-second blast on a foghorn half-full of porridge, rips your jeans, leaves scorch marks on the upholstery, causes the linoleum to curl up at the corners and creates a cloud of stench so thick you could knock a nail into it. As the cloud drifts across the room/court/plane, causing people to run, gag, retch and generally wish they'd lived a better life, you try to adopt that disgusted, “Jesus, who did THAT?” face while looking at the people around you, despite the fact that your chair is smouldering and there's a skidmark laminated to the wall behind you to a height of five feet which, if you look at it the right way, could depict the face of Satan.

Where's all this going? Well, the orange four-pot Mustang has sold, and it's gone off to its new home down in Essex with a gent who knows a thing or two about Fox Mustangs. For me, that car definitely fell into the first category – it was a GT, painted metalflake orange, with GT wheels, GT suspension and brakes, the GT body kit and '5.0' badges on the wings, but with a really limp 2.3-litre four-pot. It promised much, but delivered very little indeed. It shouted bang, but delivered whimper. It was a sheep in wolf's clothing, which I wouldn't have minded so much if it had provided 'sheep-level' fuel economy; it was definitely a wolf when it came to unleaded.

So now I have this little Nissan. It's a really basic 1987 Sunny LX 1.3-litre four-door saloon. And it falls into the second camp. Why? Because I expected absolutely nothing from it, so everything it does is a delightful surprise. It starts on the first touch of the key, and though it's far from fast it feels quite nippy and, somehow, faster than the Mustang. Though that's not difficult.

The previous owner was an elderly gentleman from Buxton, recently deceased, and it definitely has an “old geezer's car” vibe about it. For a start, there's the tartan rug on the back seat. Then there's the charmingly politically-incorrect little caricature dolls on the parcel shelf of our colonial cousins. I've left them there for the time being.

Then there are the floor mats. What is it with old people and soft furnishings in their cars? There were no fewer than four bits of additional carpet in the passenger footwell, on top of the OE rubber floor mat, along with a tin of pound-shop “Back To Black” under the seat.

Emptying the glove box was a lesson in itself. If seems that the executor of the previous owner's estate couldn't be arsed to empty the car before punting it on, so the glove box contained everything you see on the seat in the photo. There were a dozen or so cassettes, mostly Elvis and Roy Orbison, though centre stage went to “Al Jolson's Greatest Hits”. There was a pair of sunglasses with one lens missing, a scalpel(?) and a load of boiled sweets that had melted and stuck everything together. No, they weren't Werther's Originals, but they were still the sort of sweets that seem to only be bought by pensioners.

Another lesson was the cassette player. Somebody had gently removed the original radio-cassette – possibly with a pick-axe, judging from the state of the dash – and replaced it with a really fancy Sony tape deck. That same person, presumably, wired it in with the same degree of panache – chocolate-block connectors everywhere, everything connected to a switched live, the bare constant-live wire was just floating about, there was no earth so it was presumably only earthed through the aerial, one of the speaker negative wires was connected to another switched live and only one of the two speakers worked. I stuck a CD player in, though the door speakers are beyond shite.

Of course, despite its 64,000 miles, it's far from perfect. There's a clunk coming from the driver's side front suspension which I couldn't trace but suspect a drop link, the driver's window doesn't wind up or down quite straight so it's a two-handed job, and the door locks are so worn you could open them with a teaspoon. But, overall, I'm delighted to say that my new old car is a massive, wet fart.

Eugene

Gone... Going

Since the last instalment, I've done a hell of a lot of sweet FA about the cars.

The Pontiac has been a dead loss. After trying and failing to sell it as a roller, I tried to break it for spares. Sadly, the owner of the other late-model Bonneville in the UK (if there even is one) wasn't in the market for spares, or hasn't been watching eBay for the past couple of months. Sum total of parts sold? One. The supercharger. The only bit I wouldn't have minded holding on to.

So today, Oldcott Motors came and hauled away the rolling shell, for which they paid a desultory sum. It will now doubtless be added to their yard from which they sell American car spares for frightening prices.

The orange Mustang is still getting on my tits and shall be up for sale very soon. I tried to address a couple of its issues the other day, starting with the choke. The carb is a Weber 32/36 DGAV from a Euro Pinto, and I started by trying to decode the tag.

The wisdom of the internet has so far told me nothing. The bit that says 1AC is confusing - 1AB and 1AD are quite common on late Pintos, on 2.0 manual Cortinas, Capris, Taunuses and Sierras, but the 1AC doesn't seem to exist. Hey ho.

One of the things I was least delighted to see was the missing screw in one of the choke flaps. Damn, I'm sure it was there last time I looked. I wonder where it could possibly be now?

Having bought a bag of manual choke conversion parts from eBay and found not one single one of them to be the slightest use, I set about fabricating (ie lashing something up). I ended up with this ...

... which was a bodge and a half but was a lot better than the useless electric choke that was on there before. It really needs a return spring on it - the action is very stiff - but it gets the job done. While I was at it, I looked at addressing the driver's door, which had dropped quite a bit. I was pretty sure that you can't adjust the hinge without taking the wing off, but while I was looking to check, I noticed that the pin on the lower hinge had popped up half an inch or so. I took the weight of the door on a trolley jack, tapped the pin back in and the job was done - the door was back to shutting perfectly.

What this means is that, with less than a fortnight to Easter weekend and NSCC Round 1, I don't have a car to take part in. Oh well, if it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Eugene

Annual and General

February 21st saw the annual post-hibernation gathering of the SCC faithful for the AGM. This year saw a new venue, a new layout and a new level of organisation hitherto unknown in the anals of NSCC history (that would normally be annals, but I decided anals would be more appropriate). The venue was the Red Lion in Bispham, which happened to have a Premier Inn next door. Those were the tight buggers who, as the rooms filled up, doubled the prices on the remaining rooms. Hm, we'll have to remember that trick...
Anyway, part of the new programme meant that we had the nuts'n'bolts AGM and rule book discussion after lunch, in the hope that people would be slightly less pissed, which leads to long, circuitous and argumentative discussions about the same tired old crap. Even though some participants started drinking suitably early (lunchtime the preceding day), it did seem to work quite well. There was a bit of discussion about the rule that allows FWD cars for that competitor's first year - this was amended for 2015 to say that if the competitor qualifies the car in its first year, he can sign it up again for the second and so on. We're getting some interesting machinery in the FWD class, with some very enthusiastic owners, and no sign of the boom-tish-boom-tish race-around-the-retail-park crew that some people were worried it would attract.
Another rule that was amended was the one that allowed people to turn up to York in their NSCC car and claim show points even if they didn't sign up to race. On one memorable weekend in 2014, this meant that some of the pit-sitters actually scored more points than those who went out in the 1st round of eliminations! This year, you get show points for the WEEKEND, not per day, so if you drive your NSCC car to York but for whatever reason don't race, you get 1200 points plus 300 for the cruise. If you trailer it there but don't race, you'll get 300 points plus 300 for the cruise, or bugger-all if you don't go on the cruise. This rule will also apply should the event be rained off with no qualifying having taken place.
Two rules that weren't changed, despite reasonable protestations, were the ones that state that the car must have an MoT even if it's pre-1960, and it must be taxed. That means no trade plates, and even in the absence of tax discs, it's the work of 20 seconds online to find out if the car's MoTed and taxed...
The cruises remain the same, although only the first of the two monthly American Auto Mags Hollow Tree cruises counts for points, and Simon has changed the day of the Queen Adelaide cruise to the third Sunday of the month. As the last Knaresborough cruise happens AFTER the finals, it was decided that cruisers could score points at Knaresborough in March, but not September.
There's a fair old raft of shows on the calendar, too, starting with the Whitby Kustom one-dayer in April, adding Cumbria's Total Retro event in May, American Speedfest at Brands Hatch in June, the Phantoms Hot Rod Hootenanny in Scotland mid-July, and the Blackpool Classic & Custom Car Show in mid-August. The only thing that's dropped off the calendar is the NSRA Billing Fun Run.
There are 11 rounds of NSCC competition, or possibly 10, we're not sure yet. This problem arises from the UK Power Tour on the first weekend in July, and how York are working around them. Doubtless details will be forthcoming as soon as somebody works out what the sweet, sweet piggy-titties is going on.
And then the AGM was wound up! Hurrah, just time to tip the wee of excitement off your chair before dinner was served. Yes, somebody decided that a room full of NSCC competitors could be trusted with hot food and sharp cutlery. The meal didn't start well - I can only assume that downstairs in the pub people were putting their drinks on nachos, because I'm sure I got served a plateful of cheesy beermats. The steak was pretty damn good, although halfway through, as I was reaching for that very heavy earthenware bowl of chips in the middle of the table, I put my back out again. Could I sue them for that? Anyway, that meant I spent the rest of the evening waddling around as though I'd had a pick-axe handle jammed up my nipsy.
During dinner there was a bit of a quiz, followed by the Tat Auction. The idea was that people could bring various bits and bats of useful and useless stuff, and we'd auction it off for NSCC funds. There was, it has to be said, precious little tat and a lot of bloody good stuff. All in all, we raised well in excess of £200 for the NSCC kitty. And Damien, if you still have that VHS, I'll happily buy it myself! I wish I had bought it then, but my mind wasn't on the job, obviously. To illustrate, we had another brilliant offer of a lot to auction from CRD Performace, which I completely failed to include. However, if the offer still stands, I'd like to utilise that in some useful way during the course of the year.

Then it was time for the prizegiving, and having been appointed photographer I managed to plumb new depths even by my own low standards by managing to take five in-focus photographs. That's one of them above, of Simon Boot collecting his own trophy plus a few for people who couldn't make it!

That's Biff, picking up his award in his new Black Pig, plus a Green Party 'Endeavour' for preventing food wastage.

That's Andy Errington above, collecting not only his trophy for 7th overall but also a well-deserved trophy for best newcomer. Good man, who has already signed up for 2015 in his newly-acquired Mustang.

That's Rick Swaine looking as pleased as punch, not only for a well-deserved third place in the orange Viva, but also for the John Payne Spirit of the NSCC award. Not only was he most improved (from 2013 to 2014) following his Pinto transplant, he was also one of the crew representing the NSCC at off-calendar shows and events, and when he couldn't race his own car at the track he'd turn up anyway and crew for someone else. Top bloke.

That's a rear view of Nigel Henderson (take my word for it) picking up his trophy for second overall in the groovy little 105E Anglia, again proving that in order to succeed in NSCC competition, you need a car that's properly streetable. His little four-pot went everywhere last year, and he was only a whisker behind the 2014 Champion, James Murray, who added another trophy to the list of things he won't dust or polish.
Overall, I think the AGM was a success. I liked the format of having the meeting in the afternoon and an informal dinner in the middle, though some folk didn't think much to the fact that the venue was so far out of town and away from the nightlife - one chap did tell me that he had a kebab on Friday night, but as it required a taxi ride to collect it, it cost him £20. There are one or two other ideas on the table for next year's AGM already, so if you have any (constructive) ideas or feedback, make yourself heard.
Incidentally, this year's prizes were sponsored by James, c/o Megasquirt UK, the DIY EFI and ECU people, so you know where to go for engine management...

...and we've also had support offered from Pete at Chassis Tec, the chassis and cage specialists. Going under the 11.99 second barrier this year? You need to speak to Pete.

So remember, support those who support the sport! Easter and round one are less than four weeks away. Watch out for the IOPD and PDRC forms being posted on the Facebook page so you can get those filled in, sent off and done and dusted in advance. The updated rule book and calendar will be posted up on www.nscc.info just as soon as we get the early July York/Power Tour weekend details sorted. It's not far away ... are you ready?

Eugene

Retrospectacle

OK, I admit, I haven't got around to writing up the AGM report yet. The notes I took are still on scraps of paper (cunningly hidden amongst scraps of scrap paper - what could go wrong?) filed in a plastic bag in the living room. That'll be next, I promise.

In the meantime, I'll blart on about the Race Retro show, which I went to the day before the AGM. It's all about classic and historic racing, with lots of clubs and classes represented. Yes, there's a lot of cubic money in them thar cars, but as these guys are mostly still giving them a damn good thrashing in historic classes, I'll let them off. American and street/strip stuff is rather poorly represented, but there were plenty of machines there that I remember from my formative years... like that SD1, above. I remember them being used for rallying, briefly, and for touring car racing, including a few Saturday afternoon pro-celebrity type races on World of Sport with Dickie Davis, a moustache-based presenter who Will Ferrell must have clocked before he came up with Ron Burgundy.

And this, one of the Group B Lancias that I still get a trouser-tent about all these years later, along with the Stratos. I think this may have been a replica, but I don't think I care.

Now that's the car I blame for loving V8s. The TR7 V8. I remember these tonking about with Tony Pond or Simo Lampinen at the wheel, they sounded marvellous. I still have a perverse desire for a TR7 even now.

Blimey, a Bjorn Waldegard Toyota Corolla! I remember these from the Rally Cars Top Trumps!

The Ford RS200, a proper weapon that came along just in time for Group B to be disbanded. I imagine this is worth a few quid, so I didn't bid him on it.

Another car I remember Tony Pond driving, the old 6R4! See, not everything that came out of British Leyland was an unmitigated disaster...

This picture doesn't quite convey the fact that the 6R4 was about twice as bulky as the Mini next to it. It was like someone got a Mini 1275GT, bunged a bicycle pump up its nipsy and pumped until they got a 6R4. Brilliant.

Now this was a wonderful bit of kit. It's a BMC race car transporter, just big enough to take a small-ish saloon car and with the most basic of living spaces up front. You'd really cut a dash in the pits with this! It was in the Silverstone Auctions' Conspicuous Display of Silly Money, where it failed to reach its £60,000 estimate...

Race Retro is a pretty good day out, though I must add that I've been going for a few years now and this year, I'd seen it all and was ready to go home in under four hours. Still, there's generally cock-all else to do in February, so it's any port in a storm...

Right, the AGM, yes, I'll get right on that...

Eugene

Like A Spare Part

Since the last posting, it's all gone a bit daft. For a start, the Pontiac Bonneville has totally failed to sell. Or even attract any serious enquiries. I've not even had any enquiries about spares, although there aren't exactly a load of other Bonnevilles out there for for me to sell parts for. The only bit that's sold is the blower, the bit that I'd have quite liked to keep; still, the money will doubtless come in handy.

I'm also looking to put the 2.3 Mustang ragtop up for sale. I'm really not feeling it, and would rather get shut in favour of something that seats five and might be good to tow with.

Then, in January, I spotted the online auction for all the stock from the closed-down Bauer Millett showrooms. Long story short, James is now the proud owner of one metric shitload of new old stock AC Delco GM stuff, not to mention another metric shitload of genuine Mopar/Fiat/Alfa gear. It's always difficult to work out on an online auction exactly how much you've bought, so when I went to hire a van I thought I'd pick the high-roof LWB Transit just to be on the safe side. Bugger me bandy, we'd have looked a right pair of bell-ends if we'd brought anything smaller... we filled it, front to back, side to side, and to within a foot of the top. The lengthy cataloguing process has begun, so if you're in the market for some genuine OE spares at bargain prices, check out the dedicated website at http://www.jamesmurrayengineering.co.uk/parts/ or look for acdelcomoparoem on eBay.

As if we didn't have enough shite between us, I then went and bought a couple more bits of NOS, one of which was an offside door for a 1993-2002 Camaro. So I went to pick it up from west London, gleefully certain of the fact that it would fit into a Fox Mustang convertible. Unusually, for early February, it was a glorious day - almost T-shirt weather. That's just as well, because there's as much chance of fitting a Camaro door in a Fox Mustang as there is of there then driving it up a badger's bottom. Fortunately, it was pleasant enough to put the roof down and drive with the Camaro door sat up in the back seat like the shitest President Kennedy decoy ever. Yeah, it was nice to have the roof down but this was at 4pm in west London, and I could say with some degree of certainty that the moment the big, strange warm thing in the sky dipped below the horizon, it would turn rather Pearl Harbour - there'd definitely be a nasty nip in the air. As I joined the M25 just before 5pm, this prediction came true. I spent the next two and a half hours trundling through traffic up the M40 freezing my conkers off, wondering who the hell I would be selling that door to - they're made of plastic, they don't rust!

This time next week, we'll be thinking about heading to Blackpool for the NSCC AGM. In fact, I expect many will already be there and by this time of night they'll be multiple sheets to the wind. Just to clarify, the AGM - the nuts-and-bolts rule book and calendar discussion - will be held in the afternoon. We'll say it's going to start at 1pm, which means it has a chance of getting under way by about 2. Then we'll wrap it up no later than 4pm so everyone can go back to their room and do whatever before meeting back in the room for dinner at 6pm. If you haven't already booked for this, you might still be able to get in or you might have to eat downstairs with the plebs. After dinner, there should be an NSCC quiz, followed by the Tat Auction for a bit of a laugh and to stick some money in the NSCC kitty, so don't forget to bring some tat. Then there'll be the prizegiving for the winners and qualifiers, then the annual NSCC quest to see how much beer is left in the barrels and alter that figure to zero.

It should be a laugh riot, so please come along, buy tat, drink beer, and let's see if anybody can remember exactly why this pub kicked us out and asked us not to come back all those years ago. The Red Lion, Bispham FY2 0AR is the place. February 21st is the date. I can't wait.

Eugene

Happy New Year and all that shite

It's 2015! Woohoo! Hm. Feels much the same as any other year, except that the price of petrol has tumbled dramatically. Jeeezus, how many of you carved the Christmas turkey, pulled the wishbone and wished for cheaper petrol, because it worked!
So, it's January, and that is universally crap. The only dot of light on the horizon is Autosport at the NEC and there was way less there to hold my attention than there has been previously.

There were a few classics to get all sweaty over, but by and large it seemed to be fewer stands spread out to cover the same area. The 'engineering' section appeared to be pretty empty, too, with far fewer American visitors than there have been in previous years.

I can't say I'm surprised, mind you. Speaking to a couple of the stallholders, I was stunned to learn of the price they get charged for the simplest of stands. You want a stand big enough to fit one car and a few bits of display material? That'll be £14,000 please. You want a mains supply? That'll be extra. Or, if you just want a 3x2 metre booth in the 'engineering' section - for two days, not four - that'll be £3500. And at nearly £30 for a ticket plus £10 to park your car, I reckon that it's only the fact that there's bugger all else happening in January that keeps the crowds coming.

I liked this Gaskit stand, with the posters saying "Now you can fix head gasket failures YOURSELF!" My god, it's come to that. It kinda reminded me of Mr Ed Gaskit ... "F**k off and fix it YOURSELF!" He needn't have bothered hiring the pretty Asian girl to hand out leaflets, though - his end of the hall was bloody empty.

I say there's bugger-all happening in January, but in fact there were two new shows - the London Classic Car Show, which, for all I've seen of it, seems to be an exercise in saying "Look how much money we've got", and a new indoor custom car show in Manchester's G-Mex. And, naturally, they all happened on the same weekend. Brilliant - it's the dullest month on the calendar, there are only three shows happening, and they all happen on the same weekend. The G-Mex one didn't seem to be terribly well promoted, in as much as people were talking about it a few weeks beforehand as if that was the first they'd heard of it. Still, early reports are promising, and this could grow into the winter high spot on the custom calendar.

Talking of winter high points, the plans for the NSCC AGM have been announced. The new venue is the Red Lion in Bispham, a place we've previously been told not to return to after a spectacular chunder fountain down the stairs. I can't remember what year that was, but it has to be at least 10 years ago so hopefully they'll have cleaned the stairs by now. And, hopefully, nobody will feel compelled to have a 3D laugh at the carpet this year. Enthusiasm is high, and this could actually prove to be a problem in itself.
Firstly, there's a Premier Inn next door. Perfect. Cheap rooms with brilliant showers. The Manhattan was all well and good, but the rooms were a miracle of packaging that would make the Japanese piss their knickers in delight. Okay, to the letter, the rooms each had an en suite bathroom, but I always felt that being able to have a crap in the lavatory, clean your teeth in the basin and wash your hair in the shower, simultaneously, meant that the room was a bit small. To do all these things without having to get out of the bed means that the room is so tiny that a bloody Hobbit would have said, "Are they taking the piss or what?" However, as the Premier Inn fills up, the price of the rooms is going up. Tight bastards!
Secondly, the function room isn't massive, and less than a week after the date and venue have been announced, the number of people who have said they're coming and/or booked into the hotel means we may be looking at over-capacity issues...
We'll be having a good sit-down dinner at the AGM, which should be a revelation. We'll have to count the cutlery in and out of the room, you know what some of these Yorkshire folk are like...
Happy new year!
Eugene.

Haynes Pains

A couple of months ago, I bought another project. Yeah, yeah, like I really need another project. But, frankly, I'm pretty sick of the Pinto-powered Fox. The novelty of having a convertible had well and truly worn off, and I wouldn't mind it being as slow as a 1.3 diesel if I was getting similar fuel economy to a 1.3 diesel instead of more like a stroked small-block. I had spotted a Pontiac for sale on Gumtree. It was a front-wheel driver, but otherwise it had everything I need: it was a big, comfortable daily with five seats, should tow pretty well, qualify for specialist insurance, provide fuel economy that wouldn't leave me feeling reamed yet still turn in some sprightly times on the track.

It's a 2001 Pontiac Bonneville SSEI, which has the factory supercharged 3800cc V6, four-speed auto and other fun stuff. It was listed with an unspecified engine fault so I called the seller who described the fault - he said he was cruising along the Autobahn through Germany on his way back from Bulgaria when it developed a misfire and lost power so he pulled over and called the recovery truck. It had since sat outside his gaff for two years. Well, that could be anything, couldn't it? A crank angle sensor, a dead coil pack, even a jumped timing chain. That could be a really quick and easy fix, and I'd be on the road in no time! You'd think I'd learn...

I should have heard an alarm bell when the seller presented me with a V5 that still said it was tax exempt because it was owned by a serving American military officer and a key. No remote key fobs, no spare key, just one solitary key.

I loaded it on the trailer and dragged it home. Job one was to let several gallons of water out of the spare wheel well - the spare wheel was literally floating.

The bodywork seemed completely straight apart from a scuff on the bonnet and a chipped wing mirror. Even the factory chrome wheels were still chrome. Then I did a compression test on the motor. Yeah, zero psi on the middle pot of the front bank didn't bode well. I got a Haynes manual for the Bonneville and other badge-engineered GM products, but of course, it doesn't cover the less common supercharged models so I've decided to write my own. Here's the procedure for checking the bores then removing the engine on a 2001 SSEI:

1. Disconnect the battery. To do this, you'll have to find it. It's under the back seat.
2. Remove the blower belt and the auxiliary belt. Throw them in a pile so you can't remember which one's which.
3. Disconnect the multiplug to the coil packs, and remove the numbered HT leads from the spark plugs. Always pull on the boot of the lead, not the wire itself. Then watch as on two of the rear bank of plugs, the boot just drops off the wire anyway and falls into the darkest recesses of the engine bay, never to be seen again.
4. Remove the coil packs from the bracket above the blower belt tensioner.
5. Remove the blower belt tensioner bracket.
6. Realise that you could have skipped step four altogether, taken it all off as one unit and saved yourself five minutes.
7. Start disconnecting the wiring from the injectors, switches and sensors around the engine. Using labels or strips of masking tape, be sure to label each wire or multiplug with useful guides such as "to vacuum thingy", "goes to odd black box on bracket behind EGR valve" or "????".
8. Release the 'quick-release' fuel feed pipe and return pipe couplings above the supercharger using the special 'quick-release pipe coupling release tool' that you don't have. Marvel at the stench of stale petrol.
9. Release the nuts holding the fuel rails to either cylinder head and lift away, complete with fuel injectors. Spill stale petrol all down trousers.
10. Remove radiator bottom hose and allow coolant to escape. Note that the inlet pipe to the water pump is above the level of the cylinder head gaskets.
11. Release throttle cable and TV cable from the throttle lever on the throttle body. Then either frig about for hours removing the cables from their bracket like the manual says, or just remove the two bolts holding the bracket to the throttle body and hoy it out of the way.
12. Undo the long bolts securing the supercharger to the intake manifold and remove the supercharger complete with throttle body and air intake ducting.
13. Remove the bolts securing the intake manifold and lift the manifold free.
14. Remove bolts securing the rocker cover from the front bank of cylinders. Each bolt includes a rubber washer which will disappear to join its friends, the spark plug boots (see step 3).
15. Remove rockers and pushrods, and store them safely in the order that they were removed. A cardboard box with marked holes punched through the lid will help keep everything in order. Put the box on the bonnet of the car parked next to you. As you put the last rocker in, the box will slide off the bonnet and into the gravel. Replace the gritty rockers in the box in no particular order.
16. Realise that to remove the cylinder head, you need to remove the exhaust manifold. Say "Twat" under your breath.
17. Remove the two nuts that secure the front exhaust manifold to the exhaust crossover pipe. Remove the two nuts securing the crossover pipe to the rear manifold. Fling the crossover pipe across the yard.
18. Remove the six nuts from the studs that secure the manifold to the head. Most of the studs will come out with the nuts. Remove the manifold.

19. Unfasten the cylinder head securing bolts in the order specified in the manual, a quarter turn at a time until they're only finger tight. Place them in the box with the rocker gear, marked according to the position they came from, even though you won't be reusing them. Note with interest that when you remove the bottom left bolt, a fountain of water issues from the hole. Remind yourself of step 10.
20. Lift the cylinder head and store it somewhere where it won't get damaged.
21. Look at the bores (see illustration).

22. Mumble "For fuck's sake".
23. Stamp off to the pub.
24. You will now need to remove the engine, because you're never going to get the rear cylinder head off with the engine in situ. Start by removing the cooling fans according to the manual.
25. Then remove the radiator according to the manual.
26. Then remove the air conditioning condenser according to the manual.
27. Realise that you could have saved 20 minutes by removing the whole bundle as one unit.
28. Remove the nuts securing the air conditioning compressor to the engine block. Try to slide the compressor off its studs. Realise that there's not enough room. Realise that that's why the studs have a Torx star machined into the end of them. Unfasten the studs using the Torx sockets that you haven't got and put the compressor to one side.
29. The power steering pump is tucked at the bottom of the engine bay, right at the back next to the bulkhead. It's impossible to fill, never mind remove unless you know the secret. The manual says there are two bolts, one facing left, the other facing right. It's lying. Eventually, you'll find that both face the same way and the only way to unfasten them is through a hole in the pulley. Put the pump aside.
30. Remove the starter motor.
31. Release the three short bolts securing the torque converter to the flexplate.
32. Remove the two nuts securing the rear exhaust manifold to the downpipe. You can't even see this joint, so you'll have to do the job using a combination of gynaecology and guesswork.
33. Connect an engine crane to the engine lifting hooks. Realise that the front lifting hook is attached to the cylinder head you've already removed. Get creative. Take the weight of the engine.
34. Remove the large nut securing the front engine mount to the underside of the subframe under the offside wheel arch. Notice while you're down there that the offside coil spring is broken. Say "For Christ's sake".
35. Remove the bolts securing the engine mount bracket to the block, and remove the bracket. It's a huge aluminium casting the size of a lower arm on a lesser car and probably worth more in scrap than the rest of the car.
36. Place a trolley jack under the transmission and release the bolts securing the transmission bellhousing to the engine block.
37. Wonder why they're not coming apart. Start levering with progressively larger tools, ending with a crowbar. Note the way the thin, aluminium bellhousing flexes alarmingly while you're heaving at it with a crowbar.
38. Oh, sorry, forgot to mention, there's another bellhousing bolt, facing the other way, tucked way down in the dark between the block and the trans in the little area designed to fill with grease over the years and make bolt heads nigh-on bastard invisible.
39. Realise that you can't even get a spanner onto this bolt. Attempt to get a socket onto it by using varying lengths of extension bar and working from the front of the block. You should waste at least an hour trying to do this.
40. Realise that to undo this bolt, you're going to have to remove the exhaust manifold from the rear cylinder head; exactly the job you were trying so hard to avoid. Spend a few moments having a quiet whimper.
41. The nuts on the rear exhaust manifold are highly inaccessible and tightened to a very specific torque - this torque is just too tight to undo with your fingers, but not tight enough to overcome the ratchet on your ratchet wrench so you spend a long time spinning each one up and down its thread without ever actually removing it. Most nuts and bolts that you can't see and can barely get a spanner to are tightened to this torque - it's common manufacturing practice.
42. Realise that one of the manifold studs also holds the lifting bracket to which you've tied the lifting sling. Spend a few moments trying to unpick a bloody impenetrable knot.
43. Realise that there's not enough room to slide the rearmost exhaust manifold off its studs; you're going to have to remove the studs, which also have a Torx head on them. This takes a different size of Torx socket, which you also don't have. Spend a few moments wondering aloud why GM didn't just use bolts like every fucker else. The studs are just as invisible as the manifold nuts, with the added bonus of being a little closer to the bulkhead. They're also tightened to the torque mentioned in step 41.
44. We forgot to mention that the rear manifold comes with an EGR valve on the end of a flexible and rather fragile-looking pipe. It's going to have to come off with the manifold.
45. Realise that there's not enough room to remove the manifold. You're going to have to remove the rocker box first.
46. Realise that there's not enough room to remove the rocker box without removing this vast, rather redundant aluminium casting that seems to do nothing other than carry the water to the heater pipes and prevent you removing rocker boxes. Remove this.
47. Then remove the rocker box.
48. Then remove the manifold.
49. Then replace two of the studs and the lifting hook. Re-tie the sling and take the weight of the engine again.
50. Finally you can get to the last bellhousing bolt. Cry a little as you realise that the bastard thing was only finger tight. Fling the bolt as far as you can across the yard because you'll be buggered bandy in Woolworths' window if you're ever going to refit it.
51. The engine and gearbox can now be moved apart. But only by an inch. Curse, swear, cry, plead and cajole.
52. Oh, shite, yeah, forgot to mention that there's another bracket securing the block to the gearbox. The transmission is in a huge casing that wraps all the way around the back of the engine. This bracket supports the offside end of the trans. This bracket is invisible from above, below, left or right, and can only be found by touch. It's not mentioned in any manuals. Undo the two bolts securing the bracket to the block and the engine comes free.
53. Commence lifting the engine. Stop lifting the engine. Lower the engine back into position. Untie the sling. When you re-tied the sling in step 49 you put a bundle of wiring on the wrong side of the rope. Move the wiring, re-tie the sling again and hoist the engine out. You don't need to remove the bonnet like the manual says.
54. Remove the engine and put it gently in a safe place.
55. Note the broken wires in the engine bay. Oh, yeah, forgot to mention there's a knock sensor on the back of the block, and an oil pressure sender too. Neither of these can be seen with the engine in situ, and both are bloody expensive to replace.
56. Tidy up tools. It has been raining on and off while you've been doing this job, so as you pick up the box with the carefully labelled and arranged rockers, pushrods and head studs, the bottom turns to mush and scatters everything in the gravel again.
57. Wonder why you didn't just buy a Lexus like everyone else.
58. Go to the pub.

Eugene