It's a 2001 Pontiac Bonneville SSEI, which has the factory supercharged 3800cc V6, four-speed auto and other fun stuff. It was listed with an unspecified engine fault so I called the seller who described the fault - he said he was cruising along the Autobahn through Germany on his way back from Bulgaria when it developed a misfire and lost power so he pulled over and called the recovery truck. It had since sat outside his gaff for two years. Well, that could be anything, couldn't it? A crank angle sensor, a dead coil pack, even a jumped timing chain. That could be a really quick and easy fix, and I'd be on the road in no time! You'd think I'd learn...
I should have heard an alarm bell when the seller presented me with a V5 that still said it was tax exempt because it was owned by a serving American military officer and a key. No remote key fobs, no spare key, just one solitary key.
I loaded it on the trailer and dragged it home. Job one was to let several gallons of water out of the spare wheel well - the spare wheel was literally floating.
The bodywork seemed completely straight apart from a scuff on the bonnet and a chipped wing mirror. Even the factory chrome wheels were still chrome. Then I did a compression test on the motor. Yeah, zero psi on the middle pot of the front bank didn't bode well. I got a Haynes manual for the Bonneville and other badge-engineered GM products, but of course, it doesn't cover the less common supercharged models so I've decided to write my own. Here's the procedure for checking the bores then removing the engine on a 2001 SSEI:
1. Disconnect the battery. To do this, you'll have to find it. It's under the back seat.
2. Remove the blower belt and the auxiliary belt. Throw them in a pile so you can't remember which one's which.
3. Disconnect the multiplug to the coil packs, and remove the numbered HT leads from the spark plugs. Always pull on the boot of the lead, not the wire itself. Then watch as on two of the rear bank of plugs, the boot just drops off the wire anyway and falls into the darkest recesses of the engine bay, never to be seen again.
4. Remove the coil packs from the bracket above the blower belt tensioner.
5. Remove the blower belt tensioner bracket.
6. Realise that you could have skipped step four altogether, taken it all off as one unit and saved yourself five minutes.
7. Start disconnecting the wiring from the injectors, switches and sensors around the engine. Using labels or strips of masking tape, be sure to label each wire or multiplug with useful guides such as "to vacuum thingy", "goes to odd black box on bracket behind EGR valve" or "????".
8. Release the 'quick-release' fuel feed pipe and return pipe couplings above the supercharger using the special 'quick-release pipe coupling release tool' that you don't have. Marvel at the stench of stale petrol.
9. Release the nuts holding the fuel rails to either cylinder head and lift away, complete with fuel injectors. Spill stale petrol all down trousers.
10. Remove radiator bottom hose and allow coolant to escape. Note that the inlet pipe to the water pump is above the level of the cylinder head gaskets.
11. Release throttle cable and TV cable from the throttle lever on the throttle body. Then either frig about for hours removing the cables from their bracket like the manual says, or just remove the two bolts holding the bracket to the throttle body and hoy it out of the way.
12. Undo the long bolts securing the supercharger to the intake manifold and remove the supercharger complete with throttle body and air intake ducting.
13. Remove the bolts securing the intake manifold and lift the manifold free.
14. Remove bolts securing the rocker cover from the front bank of cylinders. Each bolt includes a rubber washer which will disappear to join its friends, the spark plug boots (see step 3).
15. Remove rockers and pushrods, and store them safely in the order that they were removed. A cardboard box with marked holes punched through the lid will help keep everything in order. Put the box on the bonnet of the car parked next to you. As you put the last rocker in, the box will slide off the bonnet and into the gravel. Replace the gritty rockers in the box in no particular order.
16. Realise that to remove the cylinder head, you need to remove the exhaust manifold. Say "Twat" under your breath.
17. Remove the two nuts that secure the front exhaust manifold to the exhaust crossover pipe. Remove the two nuts securing the crossover pipe to the rear manifold. Fling the crossover pipe across the yard.
18. Remove the six nuts from the studs that secure the manifold to the head. Most of the studs will come out with the nuts. Remove the manifold.
19. Unfasten the cylinder head securing bolts in the order specified in the manual, a quarter turn at a time until they're only finger tight. Place them in the box with the rocker gear, marked according to the position they came from, even though you won't be reusing them. Note with interest that when you remove the bottom left bolt, a fountain of water issues from the hole. Remind yourself of step 10.
20. Lift the cylinder head and store it somewhere where it won't get damaged.
21. Look at the bores (see illustration).
22. Mumble "For fuck's sake".
23. Stamp off to the pub.
24. You will now need to remove the engine, because you're never going to get the rear cylinder head off with the engine in situ. Start by removing the cooling fans according to the manual.
25. Then remove the radiator according to the manual.
26. Then remove the air conditioning condenser according to the manual.
27. Realise that you could have saved 20 minutes by removing the whole bundle as one unit.
28. Remove the nuts securing the air conditioning compressor to the engine block. Try to slide the compressor off its studs. Realise that there's not enough room. Realise that that's why the studs have a Torx star machined into the end of them. Unfasten the studs using the Torx sockets that you haven't got and put the compressor to one side.
29. The power steering pump is tucked at the bottom of the engine bay, right at the back next to the bulkhead. It's impossible to fill, never mind remove unless you know the secret. The manual says there are two bolts, one facing left, the other facing right. It's lying. Eventually, you'll find that both face the same way and the only way to unfasten them is through a hole in the pulley. Put the pump aside.
30. Remove the starter motor.
31. Release the three short bolts securing the torque converter to the flexplate.
32. Remove the two nuts securing the rear exhaust manifold to the downpipe. You can't even see this joint, so you'll have to do the job using a combination of gynaecology and guesswork.
33. Connect an engine crane to the engine lifting hooks. Realise that the front lifting hook is attached to the cylinder head you've already removed. Get creative. Take the weight of the engine.
34. Remove the large nut securing the front engine mount to the underside of the subframe under the offside wheel arch. Notice while you're down there that the offside coil spring is broken. Say "For Christ's sake".
35. Remove the bolts securing the engine mount bracket to the block, and remove the bracket. It's a huge aluminium casting the size of a lower arm on a lesser car and probably worth more in scrap than the rest of the car.
36. Place a trolley jack under the transmission and release the bolts securing the transmission bellhousing to the engine block.
37. Wonder why they're not coming apart. Start levering with progressively larger tools, ending with a crowbar. Note the way the thin, aluminium bellhousing flexes alarmingly while you're heaving at it with a crowbar.
38. Oh, sorry, forgot to mention, there's another bellhousing bolt, facing the other way, tucked way down in the dark between the block and the trans in the little area designed to fill with grease over the years and make bolt heads nigh-on bastard invisible.
39. Realise that you can't even get a spanner onto this bolt. Attempt to get a socket onto it by using varying lengths of extension bar and working from the front of the block. You should waste at least an hour trying to do this.
40. Realise that to undo this bolt, you're going to have to remove the exhaust manifold from the rear cylinder head; exactly the job you were trying so hard to avoid. Spend a few moments having a quiet whimper.
41. The nuts on the rear exhaust manifold are highly inaccessible and tightened to a very specific torque - this torque is just too tight to undo with your fingers, but not tight enough to overcome the ratchet on your ratchet wrench so you spend a long time spinning each one up and down its thread without ever actually removing it. Most nuts and bolts that you can't see and can barely get a spanner to are tightened to this torque - it's common manufacturing practice.
42. Realise that one of the manifold studs also holds the lifting bracket to which you've tied the lifting sling. Spend a few moments trying to unpick a bloody impenetrable knot.
43. Realise that there's not enough room to slide the rearmost exhaust manifold off its studs; you're going to have to remove the studs, which also have a Torx head on them. This takes a different size of Torx socket, which you also don't have. Spend a few moments wondering aloud why GM didn't just use bolts like every fucker else. The studs are just as invisible as the manifold nuts, with the added bonus of being a little closer to the bulkhead. They're also tightened to the torque mentioned in step 41.
44. We forgot to mention that the rear manifold comes with an EGR valve on the end of a flexible and rather fragile-looking pipe. It's going to have to come off with the manifold.
45. Realise that there's not enough room to remove the manifold. You're going to have to remove the rocker box first.
46. Realise that there's not enough room to remove the rocker box without removing this vast, rather redundant aluminium casting that seems to do nothing other than carry the water to the heater pipes and prevent you removing rocker boxes. Remove this.
47. Then remove the rocker box.
48. Then remove the manifold.
49. Then replace two of the studs and the lifting hook. Re-tie the sling and take the weight of the engine again.
50. Finally you can get to the last bellhousing bolt. Cry a little as you realise that the bastard thing was only finger tight. Fling the bolt as far as you can across the yard because you'll be buggered bandy in Woolworths' window if you're ever going to refit it.
51. The engine and gearbox can now be moved apart. But only by an inch. Curse, swear, cry, plead and cajole.
52. Oh, shite, yeah, forgot to mention that there's another bracket securing the block to the gearbox. The transmission is in a huge casing that wraps all the way around the back of the engine. This bracket supports the offside end of the trans. This bracket is invisible from above, below, left or right, and can only be found by touch. It's not mentioned in any manuals. Undo the two bolts securing the bracket to the block and the engine comes free.
53. Commence lifting the engine. Stop lifting the engine. Lower the engine back into position. Untie the sling. When you re-tied the sling in step 49 you put a bundle of wiring on the wrong side of the rope. Move the wiring, re-tie the sling again and hoist the engine out. You don't need to remove the bonnet like the manual says.
54. Remove the engine and put it gently in a safe place.
55. Note the broken wires in the engine bay. Oh, yeah, forgot to mention there's a knock sensor on the back of the block, and an oil pressure sender too. Neither of these can be seen with the engine in situ, and both are bloody expensive to replace.
56. Tidy up tools. It has been raining on and off while you've been doing this job, so as you pick up the box with the carefully labelled and arranged rockers, pushrods and head studs, the bottom turns to mush and scatters everything in the gravel again.
57. Wonder why you didn't just buy a Lexus like everyone else.
58. Go to the pub.
Eugene
