28 Years Later

A week or so ago, I watched the first series of The Dukes of Hazzard on DVD. When this first came out (or, at least, when it first made it onto UK TV) it was the talk of the playground. It was ace, and then you could go out and buy the ERTL toys and reenact the stunts and such in the school yard. Thirty-odd years down the line, you realise that it's not really up to much by today's standards - the plot is as thin as the beer in York Dragway's bar, and I don't recall any of the cast ever being nominated for any Academy Awards for their acting abilities. But it was damn good teatime fun.

Tonight, I've just watched the pilot and the first two episodes of The Fall Guy. This was the teatime favourite immediately after the Dukes, if I recall, and, likewise, was just a series of stunts and set-pieces linked together with piss-poor script. Again, though, all good fun.

There are four major (ah-ha-ha) problems with watching these favourites again after all these years. First, you realise that all these were on TV over 30 years ago. That makes me an old bastard. Damn. Secondly, your realise that the cars that were disposable stunt props in 1980 are now exceedingly cool classics. Like the '66 Charger and the '68 Charger written off in the opening sequence of the Fall Guy, or the 409 (!) Dodge Chargers written off in the making of The Dukes Of Hazzard. Thirdly, Lee Majors couldn't sing to save his arsehole. Fourth is the DVD extras.

I love watching the extras on the DVDs, and most of them feature interviews with the cast. Now obviously, you can't expect all these people to look the same as they did 30 years ago; that'd be preposterous. But for christ's sake... This is Catherine Bach/Daisy Duke back in 1979, for the first series of The Dukes Of Hazzard:

And this is Catherine Bach recently, nearly 35 years on:

She's filled out quite nicely, I'd say. Yeah, she's no spring chicken any more, but still a good lay (c. some birthday card I saw once). You can certainly still see the remnants of the woman responsible for an entire generation of boys turning out heterosexual despite growing up in the Eighties.

Now here's Lee Majors as Colt Seavers, in The Fall Guy, circa 1981:

Now here's Lee Majors recently:

I think he might have had a bit of work done, don't you? Frankly, Lee, if I stretch my knacker-bag out until all the wrinkles disappear, it's still a knacker-bag and I'd have trouble convincing anybody otherwise. What makes you think you can get away with it? Who are you trying to kid? I grew up thinking of you as a daredevil stuntman on Saturday evening TV; now you look like the next candidate for investigation by Operation Yew Tree.

Do you also remember Heather Thomas, who played Jody in The Fall Guy? Here's how everyone best remembers her:

And here's how she looks now:

Christ. She looks like my bell-end with a vaguely surprised expression painted on it. Again, who are you trying to kid? Did you wreck yourself that badly in the Eighties that you have to try and persuade people (including yourself) that you're still a Hollywood starlet and should be considered for roles written for a 30-year-old? Love, if you have your mush lifted, nipped and tucked any further, you're going to have your ears on the back of your head and you'll have massive bags under your eyes. Your tits. At least Daisy Duke has grown old(er) with some degree of decorum.

I'm now watching the remake of Hawaii Five-O from a couple of years ago. What could possibly go wrong?

Eugene

The Way Things Were

*****Please note - Rubber Duck wrote this BEFORE the 2013 Street Racer championship***

Things are not the way they used to be. Shows have moved, gone, and been replaced many times over. Our hobby is in fact the one escape from the hum drum of everyday life. I was at a show a while back and the topic of conversation was how our scene has shrunk over the last 10 years, but on that note I would have to say I disagree completely. Over the last few years at shows I have seen many times where it has only been big money cars winning, over and over again, but when they say the scene is not as big as it used to be, they are just talking about the show and shine side, because if you lump ‘Our Scene’ all into one group - drag racing, show'n'shine, 50s retro and all that together - I think in fact you will find it's growing. I don’t see it as a “them and us”; we are all part of the same thing, whether your angle is parking on a field, or running the nuts off your motor down the quarter mile. It all comes from the same roots.

New blood is picking up spanners all over the country and attacking old bangers and turning them into drivable, streetable, road legal cars and popping down to the local drag strip or nearest show. The cars that are being run now are usable, everyday cars. The only problem I see is when these cars and young people turn up to shows, they don’t get the credit that’s due to them, with such big money cars always winning, and I’m not saying they shouldn’t, but what can we do to give them a boost? I have never been to a show and seen a trophy given out for Best Effort, or Young Restorer. Times have changed, not everyone can point at a crusty rod dumped in a bush and say, “build that for me, money is no object”. The one thing I love about drag racing is that you see a 18/19 year old, foot to the floor in a Pop or Prefect they are working on, but people still go round and look at it, talk to them. The Street Racer challenge at York raceway is a perfect example, you can have a 9-second road-legal car, but would it stand the challenge of constant runs next to a Pop with a 2-litre motor that can do a 300-mile trip in one shot with only fuel stops? Now that sounds like a good event to me!

We are all part of the same thing, when you see a half-built rod or yank, just think: you were at that stage at one time. Give them some support and let’s keep the flow of our hobby the way it was, the way it is, and the way it will be in years to come, FUN.

RubberDuck

Retro Rides Gathering - a woman's tale

It’s nice to be out of the house with no kids in tow, for once in a while, even though it’s an early start: looking forward to meeting up with friends and having a good old catch-up. For us women who have men seriously addicted to cars, it’s a case of ‘if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em’ (and we can NEVER beat them), so unless you enjoy being dumped for a couple of tons of mobile metal on a regular basis, ‘join ‘em’ it is!

Even though I had been going to many car events with my other half for quite a few years, neither of us had been to this one before. Driving through the beautiful little villages was charming, to say the least, and the sun was shining: it was promising to be a good day, despite the inevitable queue to get in and the size of the event. The interesting ‘stuff’ was queuing with us, and my other half was starting to get as excited as a kid on the run up to Christmas. I have to admit, I was rather excited too. I love old and ‘interesting’ cars of all types and my definition of ‘interesting’ is rather eclectic. What interesting wonders would we find?

The show field was rather extensive and we didn’t have time to cover much of it, especially since my other half had decided he was up for having a go at the hill climb. This was one of those ‘beat them or join them’ moments, so, since signing up as a passenger was free, and I had no one to worry about but myself, ‘join them’ it was! This, however, meant that we were sitting in queues most of the afternoon instead of pottering about. Never mind, the ‘interesting’ stuff was coming to us, as were our friends... life is good. The hill climb itself was quite exciting, especially when my other half put the boot in, but as a Northern lass, I did think of the countryside I drove round in years past, and this course was nothing more than a stroll in the park!

The cars in the show ground were lovely. All of them loved and cared for in their owner’s unique way. Race cars and restorations alike, were all lovely. However, I was constantly on the lookout for the cars I liked most, but none were there. I mentioned this to my other half and he very gently pointed out, that this was about ‘retro’ cars and not classic cars. That is when it dawned on me.... I was getting OLD! These lovely cars, which, in my mind, were rather new, were in fact 30 years old and the ‘retro’ in Retro Rides.

Overall, Retro Rides Gathering 2013 was a great event. I thoroughly enjoyed it! But I suppose my next step is reconciling myself with the fact my teenage years are further behind me than I thought

~ Jessica Rabbit

No fuel (like an old fuel)

The Fox let me down the other day. I shouldn't be too mad - I've had the car for nearly three years, it's hardly the picture of health, but this is the first time it's ever let me down. Previously, all faults have been traced to something that I've done...

In this instance, it had driven about 100 miles, then suddenly decided that that was far enough when the time came for the return journey. After much chuffing about, with help from nearby Dave Evans, plus Mark and Hoppy who happened to be passing, we determined that the fuel pump had pumped its last. Damn ... it came home on an AA wagon.

Mark, the picture of helpful generosity (and a Yorkshireman, too!), had offered me his old fuel pump as a replacement, so I was sorted. I got the chuff-end up in the air, removed the towbar and dropped the tank which was pretty easy. It would have been easier if it was empty. Well, it wouldn't have been easier, but would have hurt less when I dropped it on my head. The pump is an in-tank pump on a hanger bracket, and it seemed that the positive wire had chafed away against the bracket. It hadn't blown a fuse or anything, though. It was a simple enough job to open the bracket, and swap in Mark's old pump (which, after Googling the part number, turned out to be a Walbro 255lph pump! Result!) but the little plastic filter on the end was of the disposable, 'not designed to be removed' design and the grab-ring dropped off inside the filter.

Some copper wire-based ingenuity saw it reattached. Then I fitted everything back together, reinstalled the tank, turned the key and ... bugger all. I tested the voltage (again) at the multiplug nearest the pump, and, sure enough, it was 12v when the ignition was switched on, dropping to about 7v after a second or two. I phoned James who confirmed that this is normal - if there's no tacho signal to the ECU it drops the voltage to the pump after a second. I connected the old pump up to 12v and it fired right up.

So, I dropped the tank again. There was 12 volts right to the pump terminal on top of the tank, but still no pumping. So I took the pump out again, and connected the pump direct to 12 volts. Sure, it begins spinning.

More dicking around with the multimeter showed that somewhere between the top of the hanger bracket and the crimped join to the new pump wiring, there was a break in continuity. Tits. Where the wires go through the metal top of the hanger, the positive side had slightly melted the insulation, and the riveted connection was slightly loose. If I pressed it with my thumb, I got 12v; the second I let go, back to 0v. I looked on Rockauto.com for a new hanger - £39, but with postage, £93. I looked on USAutomotive's website, and they had one in stock, a snip at £330 plus P&P. Not on your life ... honestly, I can only assume that it was gold plated and came with a platinum fuel tank full of 110-octane Sunoco.

So butchery is called for. I carefully and delicately smashed the shite out of the multiplug at the top of the hanger with a pair of mole grips, which left two wire-sized holes. I Super-Glued the insulators back on either side of the holes, pulled the wires through the holes and hey presto.

I cut the other side of the multiplug off the loom, soldered the wires, covered them with insulating tape and put everything back together. First turn of the key, the pump pumps and the motor fires... Result. Should be all fired up for Prescott this weekend.

Mopars, more cars and flying aces

Ever since the Mustang passed its MoT, against all expectations, it's been pretty busy. I had a week off work, so decided to do some work on the Midget. An hour to remove one sodding brake drum was an indicator of things to come. While the back end was hoisted up in the air I thought I'd take a wire brush to the boot floor. The inside had been patched up a few times, and looked like it may have been involved in a rear end shunt at one point, but from this angle you can clearly see that the rear valance is a panel of filler with a thin skim of metal in it. It's in excess of an inch thick in places.

Jeezus. The boot floor was made up of patches on patches on patches, and in places was so thin that I couldn't set the welder low enough to weld to it without just burning holes. It's a 100-amp hobby MIG, for God's sake, and almost as shonky as the cars I weld with it. At one point, after trying to weld a patch on using a line of weld that looked like a dirty protest in a chicken coop, I found myself wondering why God had equipped every human with ears that serve as perfect funnels for catching weld splatter whilst lying on the floor, when the welder pulled a new trick. The wire welded itself to the tip - again - and when I pressed the trigger, the whole neck came out and the wire then welded itself to the INSIDE of the trigger.

Oh, how I laughed as I dismantled the bloody thing again. Then, while using the flapwheel on the grinder to grind away the abysmal welding, I considered the idea of safety goggles. You put them on, then your dust mask, then your leather gloves, and by the time you've got all that crap on your goggles have steamed up and you can't see what you're doing with the violent power tool about nine inches from your face. What's safe about that?

Then I went along to the Mopar Euronationals. James and I had decided that, just for once, we were going to arrive in daylight, and should therefore meet at his gaff around 7pm. I had arranged to borrow a towing dolly, as I'd bought a nice, rust-free bare Fox shell from a guy in Stevenage and needed to collect it. As Santa Pod is already two thirds of the way to Stevenage, I thought I'd save fuel and collect it Sunday evening. So, having picked the towing dolly up at around 6.30, I was already late to meet James. That's when I discovered that the inch-thick pivot bar on the dolly was actually held in place with a rusty quarter-inch bonnet pin.

So, at 10pm that evening, we're in James's workshop and he's making a 70mm washer out of bar stock on a lathe. So much for "daylight"... We finally got to Santa Pod just as the band finished and the bar shut, and everyone went to bed.

The following day, after casually leaning against the wheel of the dolly, I noticed that the bearings in it were ... what's the word? Oh yeah, fucked. The left-hand outer one was bloody rusty. Having blagged some grease from Martin, I spent the next hour rebuilding the bearings on the trailer.

We had some rain on Saturday evening, but that didn't bother anyone much under the big canopy outside the beer tent. Later that night, I went back to my tent, sent the missus a "goodnight" text and put the phone down. In a puddle. In my tent. Bugger. That's my phone knackered then.

The rest of the weekend was tremendous, and at 5pm on the Sunday, I set out to get the shell. Aside from the fact that the shell had spacesaver spares on the back axle requiring a swift tyre rotation, and the bolts holding the rear axle on were just thumbed into the holes, requiring a spot of nut-searching and tightening, it went on really easily.

Then, as I was driving home, it occurred to me that the gaffer of the farm where my workshop is would be locking the gates .... erm, right about now, while I was still two counties away. I'll phone him and ask him not to. Well, pack my fudge and call me Thorntons, his number's in my phone and that's dead. So I find my work phone and call James - "Do you have Andy's number?" (I share the workshop with Andy). No, but he gives me Wacky's number. I call Wacky - he doesn't have Andy's number but Big Al will know it so he gives me Al's number, Al finally gives me Andy's number, I call Andy and he drives a mile up the road to ask the gaffer not to lock the gate.

Simple, eh? Now I have a gorgeous rust-free shell that's been dry-stored for ten years ... outside in the rain because there's a feckin' Midget taking up space in the unit.

Eugene

Faulty Towers

It's that time of year again, when the Mustang goes for the MoT test. I did all the preparation work - I checked that all the lights work, counted the wheels, made sure that the registration plate on the front matched the one on the back* etc - and went through all the usual procedure at the test centre - crossing my fingers, praying to any deity I could think of for leniency, shouting "My God, isn't that Linzi Dawn Mackenzie?!" and pointing across the yard whenever the tester got near a bit I knew to be marginal. It didn't work.

The tester was a friendly and very reasonable chap. There were a few minor faults; for instance, one of the two bulbs in the third-eye brake light was bust, which apparently should be a fail. He told me that the car was old enough not to require a third-eye, so if I disconnected the light it would pass, but if only one of the two bulbs lights it should be a fail. Go figure. There was a clunk from the offside front wheel, but as three of us spent 15 minutes trying to figure out what was causing it and failed, I got an advisory for a wheel bearing. One of the plastic headlamp lenses had gone all cloudy and wasn't casting the proper pattern. The hydrocarbons at idle were outrageous to begin with... 2000ppm, that shouldn't happen, but it cleared later.

Then he looked underneath. 

It was all going okay, he pointed out a patch under the back seat that would need addressing sooner rather than later, but when he looked under the front and went "Oh, dear Christ," I started sweating like Abu Qatada's Jordanian defence lawyer. Then when he looked under the other side and said, "For fuck's sake, Dave, have you seen this?!" I knew things weren't going terribly well. 

This was the nearside problem. Well, this was it later, down at the workshop, when I'd removed the master cylinder and balance block from in front of it, and poked at it with a screwdriver. Okay, maybe the tester had a point. This is the base of the front shock turret, around the area where the subframe bolts on, so I suppose you could call it structural.... 

Some of the metal in this area is quadruple skinned, and it's also the nearest point to the exhaust headers, so it's a common rot-spot. The rusty metal had gone like chunks of slate, that you could just break into pieces. James came over, and we started cutting plates, and hopefully we'll be welding tomorrow... Wish us luck.

* - I remember the works truck when I worked in Manchester actually failing an MoT for this....

Eugene

Need a brake...

Earlier, I was lying on my back in a pile of filth and shite and those bits of wire that spit from the zip disc and get lodged in your clothes so they can stab you later when they feel more like it, considering the issues of sexual inequality.

This was brought about as I was trying to remove a brake flare nut from an ancient, seized wheel cylinder on an MG Midget that hasn't seen the road this century. I considered that the brake flare nut is called the 'male' fitting, and the wheel cylinder the 'female' fitting. I further deduced that this is because the flare nut is a complete prick, and the wheel cylinder is a twat that doesn't do any work.

The main issue wasn't getting the flare nut out of the cylinder; rather it was getting the nut to release its grip on the copper brake pipe within without corkscrewing it. So I dosed it liberally with PlusGas, which didn't do much at all. Then I tried the blowtorch. All this achieved was setting fire to the puddle of PlusGas inside the brake drum. So, you see a fire, your first reaction is to put it out, so ... I blew on it, the result of which was that I blew the PlusGas - still burning - onto my arm and the blanket I was lying on. I think I put the fire out by sheer force of swearing.

Another volley of cursing and mighty oaths actually freed the brake pipe from the union, so I unscrewed it and left it all and went home before I did some proper damage. It does seem that cursing the bejesus out of old British brake parts does help. Not pleading, not cajoling, but some genuine, force 10 profanity that turns the air so blue you could knock a nail into it. Worth a try. I could bottle it and call it CussGas.

As an aside, I noticed another sexual inequality today whilst driving around. In this current spell of glorious weather, a woman can put on a summer dress and look cool, comfortable and glamorous. A man will put on shorts and a vest top and look an absolute bell-end. It's not fair. Likewise, a woman can put on a school uniform and blokes will steam at the earholes and drool uncontrollably. A bloke puts on a school uniform and looks like a steaming retard. Sorry, even if your name is Angus, you still look like a fuckwit.

I'm not sure where the last bit came from. Probably best not to lean on that door...

Eugene